The harassers often thought they were being funny.

Talk to your children about what sexual harassment is and that it is not funny or a joking matter.

Sexual harassment is prohibited under the federal gender-equality legislation (Title IX) and minors can be penalized under this law.

Ask your children to identify a trusted adult at school and in after-school activities that they can talk to if something is said or done that makes them uncomfortable.

As Prevention Chair for Scottsdale Parent Council, I would like to invite you to join us for our first PARENT ACTION COMMITTEE meeting to address the many social, emotional, and behavioral issues that are critical to creating safe and supportive schools for all students in SUSD. 

The goals of this PARENT ACTION COMMITTEE will be to:

1.   Provide a framework to present to SUSD leadership, educators, and parents that helps identify and delineate the practices and policies that enhance prosocial behavior and reduce anti-social or risky behavior in students.

2.  Outline appropriate courses of action and identify support resources that address the underlying causes of at-risk behavior (i.e., bullying, cyberbullying, sexting, drug use, aggression, etc.).
3.    To identify resources for at-risk students and their families to get the support they need.

4.    To identify any gaps in the policies and procedures commonly used to deal with these behaviors in our schools.

5.    To identify ways parents can be actively engaged in becoming part of the solution in addressing these issues in our schools and community. 

If you share our interests in these issues and have ideas about how to make our schools safe and supportive please come and bring a friend.  We believe that creating safe and supportive schools is a community responsibility and requires thoughtful action from parents, schools, and community partners. 

Please pass on to any and all interested parents.

RSVP to Dr. Dana Sherman at askdrdana@gmail.com

Here’s why:  Empathetic people have better (meaning closer, more supportive) relationships (of all kinds) and these relationships lead to greater life satisfaction.  Empathy is a skill, a very useful skill, and as such it can be learned.

Educators, psychologists, and neuroscientists now believe that bullying behavior can be reduced by teaching empathy (Times Science April 2010).  Some kids are born with a lot of empathy and some are not.  Although a fan of technology, I also believe that our digital world has desensitized our kids and therefore lessened our children’s innate sense of empathy. 

Violent video games simply make violence less personal.  Digital modes of communication and connection (i.e., texting and facebook) create a sense of “distance” in our social interactions.  This is why it is so much easier for adults and teens to be mean to one another online.   We don’t have to look the other person in the eye or bear witness to the emotional pain caused by our insults or accusations.

In order to counter this effect, I believe we need to be more purposeful and explicit about teaching our kids empathy.  Empathy is defined as the ability to understand the world from another person’s point of view and the motivation to treat another in a kindly way based on that understanding.

What’s the Best Way to Teach Empathy?

The best way to teach empathy is to model it. This is a skill your child learns (or doesn’t learn) from watching you.  They learn, not so much by what you say, but by watching what you do.  For example, how do you model empathy within your immediate family? How often do you try to understand your spouse’s and children’s point of view and act accordingly?

How do you model empathy with your friends, extended family, and within your soccer-baseball-volleyball-hockey teams.  Are your child’s coaches’ modeling empathy?   Is that something that is valued and explicitly expressed within the team?  

Your children are carefully watching all the adults they respect.  Think about the messages they are learning from the trusted adults in their life.

Other Ways to Teach Empathy:

• Non-verbal communication skills training (i.e., paying attention to non-verbal cues, body language, and tone of voice)
• Exposure to literature that expresses people’s emotions (i.e., books, poems)
• Activities that require children to put themselves in another person’s shoes (i.e., volunteering, babysitting, peer mentoring, team building, etc.)
• Give children responsibility to care for pets and younger sibling

How Do I Know If My Child is Empathetic? 

Empathetic Children:

• Reach out and offer to help others, especially those that are more vulnerable (i.e., smaller, younger, disabled, lacking skills, etc.)
• Care for and are loving toward pets and other animals
• Respond with support and care when siblings are in danger or really need help.  When push comes to shove, is your child protective of his siblings?
• Can articulate the feelings that result from name calling, teasing, or exclusion. These children express that they don’t want others to feel this kind of emotional pain.
• Relate emotionally to characters in books or movies.  These children can clearly express how the characters feel and why. 

Although equally important for both boys and girls, empathy is often taught to a greater extent to girls than to boys.  Unfortunately, parents often confuse empathy in boys with emotional weakness. Empathy is a characteristic of well-liked, successful boys and men. 

Talk to your children about the definition and importance of empathy.  Specifically, look for opportunities to reward (i.e., giving praise, love, and affection to) your children for being empathetic to siblings, friends, and adults.  On the flip side, identify situations in which children are NOT being empathetic and discuss what they could have done differently.

http://susd.schoolfusion.us/modules/cms/pages.phtml?pageid=100415&sessionid=1f60c91895eaf6c8662a67f87ba81de0

Thank you to all the parents that have taken a stand on this issue and created momentum for positive change.  I am developing this bullying/social skills program to be implemented next semester.  It includes both parents and students; I hope this program serves as a bridge between parents and students in our community.  Bullying is a community problem and requires a community solution!

What is and is not bullying?

A person is bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions (either physical or psychological) on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has difficulty defending him or herself (Olweus, 1993).  If the behavior is not repeated over time targeting the same individual and is not targeted at someone’s differences (race, religion, size, sexuality) then it is just bad behavior.

Why focus on bullying?

All of us are concerned about the levels of violence among young people in our communities and schools.  Among children and youth aged 17 and younger, about 1 in 5 report being physically bullied, and about 3 in 10 report being teased or emotionally bullied in their lifetime. In the United States, 160,000 students miss school each day to avoid being bullied and 6 out of every 10 teens witness bullying at least once a day.  .

How can I tell if a child is being bullied?

Your child or student may be the victim of bullying if he or she:

• Has torn or dirty clothing, or damaged books
• Has cuts, bruises, or scratches
• Has few, if any, friends to play with
• Seems afraid to go to school, or complains of headaches or stomach pains
• Doesn’t sleep well or has bad dreams
• Loses interest in schoolwork
• Seems sad, depressed, or moody
• Is anxious or has poor self-esteem
• Is quiet, sensitive, or passive

If your child or student shows several of these warning signs, it’s possible he or

she is being bullied. You may want to talk with your child or student to find out what is troubling him or her, and schedule a conference to discuss your concerns with other school staff or the parents.

How can I tell if a child is bullying others?

Your child or student may be bullying others if he or she:

• Teases, threatens, or kicks other children
• Is hot-tempered or impulsive, or has a hard time following rules
• Is aggressive toward adults
• Is tough or shows no sympathy for children who are bullied
• Has been involved in other antisocial behavior, such as vandalism or theft

If your child or student shows several of these warning signs, it’s possible that he or she is bullying others. Bullying is a behavior not a personality trait.  We can teach children to change their behavior.  The earlier the behavior is dealt with the more likely it is to be corrected.

The Role of Bystanders:

In each bullying act, there is a target, the ringleader bully, henchmen (they join in or provide an audience or laugh with or encourage the bully), outsiders or bystanders (they stay away or take no sides), and defenders (they stick up for the target).  We know that bystanders or witnesses have a great deal of power to stop the bullying.  Research shows that if a bystander(s) stands up to a bully he or she can stop the bullying incident 50% of the time, in a matter of seconds (Ken Rigby, 2007).  While we don’t advocate bystanders getting involved in physical disputes or if they feel as if they are in danger, there are many direct and indirect ways for bystanders to intervene and safely defend targets.

We can empower bystanders to defend a target in either Direct and/or Indirect ways:

 Follow The Three R’s

Recognize—

1)      Teach kids to recognize what bullying and cyberbullying is and when it is likely to happen

2)      To not accept bad behavior as normal

3)      To identify various types of bullying

Reach Out and Stand Up—

1)      Teach kids direct ways to stand up to bullying when they witness it

1. Verbally say “knock it off—this isn’t cool or funny” (most direct strategy)
2. Stand next to the target and walk away, together (less direct)
3. Distract the bully—a bystander can offer an escape to the target (i.e., Ms. Jones needs to see you right now; or take the target’s arm and say “let’s get out of here”)

2)      To reach out to support kids that have been bullied after the fact

1. Sit with a target at lunch or in class (especially after an incident)
2. Call the target at home and offer support (“Sorry that happened but don’t worry about it- you can sit with me at lunch tomorrow”)
3. Offer to be the target’s partner in PE, hang together at recess, or walk to class together
4. Lookout for kids who are isolated and ask them to join in something you are doing
5. Let them know they are not alone

Report Bullying—

1)      Tell a trusted adult (i.e., a parent, counselor, teacher, or administrator)

2)      Report cyberbullying  directly to the sites where it occurred

3)      Block any offenders

4)      Don’t pass on mean or offensive messages or posts

5)      Keep record of offensive texts or posts

Please talk to your child or student about bullying and the specific Direct and/or Indirect ways he/she can safely defend targets. 

For more information and resources on bullying go to:

www.bullyinginfo.org

 http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/kids/

http://www.pacerkidsagainstbullying.org/

http://www.pacerteensagainstbullying.org/

www.wiredsafety.org

www.netsmartz.org

1.  The program I am creating can be used by both school districts and state agencies as an education/diversion program for students that have been identified as having social skills problems and/ or have been disciplined for bullying type behavior.

2.   This program would require a parent or family member to attend so that they can learn how to reinforce the empathy building and social emotional skills we teach to the students during the program as well as enhance their parent-child communication skills.  Parents will also learn how their family interactions influence their students’ social emotional behavior

3.   This type of program can help bridge the role of schools and the family in teaching social emotional skills and reducing bullying behavior.

4.   This program will teach skills/strategies that will help identified students across multiple areas of development.  The focus will be on increasing: 1) social emotional skills; 2) social problem solving skills; 3) social communication skills; and 4) empathy building skills.  Strengthening these skills can increase academic success in addition to enhancing positive peer and family relationships.

5.   During this program, parents and students will work together to create a family social skills strengthening plan that will have long term positive effects.

Copyright © 2011 by Dana Sherman, Ph.D.

Why focus on bystanders? Research suggests that if bystanders or witnesses are taught to properly intervene, they can stop bullying 50% of the time in less than 10 seconds. Pretty powerful, right? Also, kids are the ones
on the frontline; bystanders are typically the first to witness acts of
bullying. Many kids are reluctant to tell adults for fear of making it worse or shame in not being able to handle it.

Bystander Strategies: The 3 R’s

Recognize Bullying and Cyber bullying

• Teach kids to recognize what bullying and cyber bullying
  is and when it is likely to happen
• To not accept bad behavior as normal
• To identify various types of bullying

Reach Out and Stand Up

• Teach kids direct ways to stand up to bullying
  when they witness it
• To reach out to support kids that have been
  bullied after the fact (more indirect strategies)
• Let them know they are not alone

Report Bullying

• Tell a trusted adult (i.e., a parent, counselor,
  teacher, or administrator)
• Report cyber bullying directly to the sites
  where it occurred
• Block any offenders
• Don’t pass on mean or offensive messages or
  posts
• Keep record of offensive texts or posts

We would like parents, teachers, and administrators to reinforce these
bystander strategies and role play specific scenarios both in school and at
home. Role playing scenarios enable kids to practice
exactly what to do and say in stressful situations. Students that have practiced these strategies
are more likely to stand up if a bullying or cyber bullying situation arises.

Please practice the 3 R bystander strategies with your child. Below are two role-play scenarios for you to
get started.

1. A mother is walking by her son while he is on the computer and notices that he keeps hiding the screen
   when she walks by. Upon further observation, the mother sees that he is reading a thread of offensive, derogatory remarks about another student.

2. A new girl moves to your child’s school and one of the current students becomes jealous of her and creates a hateful
website intended to make fun of her. She asks your child and all of her friends to join.

Let him fail, or at least do lousy.  Too harsh?  Here’s my logic:

If we don’t let our middle school kids forget to do their homework or study for a test, or get a C on a test, then they are more likely to fail when it really matters—high school, college, even real life.

Parents know that some kids are born with intrinsic motivation or drive and some aren’t.  The goal is to help nurture that drive in kids who aren’t born with it because at some point (very soon) you will no longer have any control over your child’s academic future (or any other part of his/her life for that matter).

The price of letting them fail in middle school isn’t too high, it doesn’t “cost” that much; and it just might motivate them to study more, think about organization, time management, and persevere in the face of challenge. 

For example, elementary school was pretty easy for my daughter.  She faced very few “challenges” that required her to really study or even “review” her work.  She likes to do her homework really quickly and does not review or check it. Now, in middle school, she is faced with more difficult tasks and she is struggling a bit.  She got a C on her first math test and an F on a homework assignment.

The other night, she couldn’t figure out what problems she needed to study for her next math test and started melting down.  I offered a few suggestions (i.e., call a friend, look on the website) and she balked at them.  I resisted the urge to jump in and help her any further (even if I wanted to I had to jump on a conference call).  

As I emerged from my office an hour later, she informed me that she had “figured it out” and had gotten all of the practice problems correct.   I asked how she figured it out and she said that she went to her room, took deep breaths, and found the correct information on the website.  I think she was proud of herself.  

Will these small lessons increase her intrinsic motivation to study harder and be more diligent?  I don’t know, she hasn’t got her math test back yet

I do know that jumping in to solve her problems or trying to “save” her from getting bad grades won’t help.  This type of behavior creates “learned helplessness”.   When the challenges get greater (and they will no matter how smart your child is), the child is more likely to give up and not successfully complete the task at hand.

Perseverance in the face of challenge is necessary to be successful in school and in life.  Children can only learn how to do this by failing, learning from it, and trying harder the next time.   

One caveat, if your child is trying as hard as he can on his own and is still struggling, that is a different matter and help on your part is definitely required.

We would like to begin this respectful conversation with Dr. Peterson, Interim Superintendent, during his open office hours at the DCMS library on Tuesday, Aug. 16th at 1:00 pm. Please come with ideas regarding the shared responsibility of schools and parents to address bullying in our overall community.

• Supply written forms designed to provide a full and detailed description of an incident.

             The form can be found on the District’s website under Student Services.

• Establish appropriate disciplinary procedures for employees who fail to report suspected incidents that are known to them.
• Provide all pupils with a written copy of the rights, protections, and support services available to bullying victims at the beginning of each school year and provide that information to the alleged victims when an incident is reported (this should include SPI services).
• Maintain records of reported incidents for at least six years.
• Remove all individually identifiable information from materials documenting an incident if those documents are provided to persons other than school officials or law enforcement.
• Develop procedures designed to protect the health and safety of victims who are physically harmed as the result of bullying or harassment, including, when appropriate, procedures for contacting emergency or law enforcement personnel, or both.
• Formulate definitions of harassment, intimidation, and bullying

I am thrilled that this law includes cyber bullying.  I understand this part of the law to state that if messages, texts, or posts are sent/received at school or affect behavior or performance at school, action should be taken.

Moreover, while most schools already have policies and procedures in place, I am glad that this law directs schools to revise and modify them as students’ needs change.  Toward this end, SUSD has informed me that administrators will receive additional training and resources and that an awareness campaign to educate staff, students, and families about these revised policies and procedures is being implemented.

I am hopeful that this law will encourage schools to implement effective, innovative procedures to help targets.  Here is an example of how a middle school took positive action to deal with a cyber bullying situation.

               A middle school girl received cruel and threatening texts during school from another student. The principal immediately called both students, separately, into his office.  He kept the students in his office until he figured out what was happening.

               The school counselor and principal then worked together to help the target.  They gave her a “fast pass” to come to      the counselor’s office if she needed a safe haven.  For the next week, each day, they checked in with her to make sure there was no retaliation.  The team contacted both the target’s and offender’s parents.   Lastly, they increased monitoring in high risk areas such as in the lunchroom, PE, and the hallways.

While it is important that this law directs schools to take the issue of bullying seriously (and I believe that most already do), it is equally important to emphasize that parents and schools have a shared responsibility in addressing bullying situations at school. Parents need to be positively engaged with the school and to develop good working relationships with staff and the administration so that they will be heard if a problem arises.

As a parent it is important that you just don’t demand action, but that you are an active part of the solution.  Parental follow through and appropriate parenting practices are essential to effectively resolving this complex issue.